Then you might be a book hoarder. But it's ok, you're amongst friends here. The question is, what type of book hoarder are you? You might find you're more than one type of book hoarder, but I'll bet there's one in particular title that shines above all the rest. Let's start with the vainest in the bunch…the Cover Whore.
Cover Whore
There are two types of Cover Whores. First, those who like
the pretty pretty. You didn’t even
read the jacket flap. You saw the pretty pretty and had to buy it. What the
book was about was an afterthought once you were in line, but you didn’t care. That
gleamingly gorgeous cover had you drooling the second you spotted it. Heck, your
friends even told you that the book wasn’t even that good. “But, but…the cover,
it’s so lovely…” You’re secretly convinced your friends must be jealous of its
infinite beauty, that’s why they’re being haters.
The second type of Cover Whore is a more rare breed of book hoarders. This one has to have their favorite book in EVERY cover it comes in. Whether
it be foreign covers, hardback to paperback cover changes, edition changes over
the years or those books that turn into movies and now they have the actors on
the cover. Like I said, it’s a rare breed but they do exist.
“Must Read” List Filler
Somebody somewhere told you X book was amazing and that you
“must read” it. So you bought it. Even though said book wasn’t really your style
or taste. You never know, that Were-Platypus who gets sent off to I’mSpecial Academy
just might be the next Twilight. You’d hate to miss out on being one of the
first to read and discover it. Or maybe you buy the “must read” because you’ve been meaning
to actually read a literary novel. Whatever the reason, you now have the "must read" syndrome and buy every book recommended to you. So sad.
The Bargain Hunter
If your e-reader was physical shelf, it would be busting at
the seams like my oversized luggage on weekend trip to Vegas. You can’t resist
a bargain. Only 99cents? Why yes, I’ll “buy now with one-click.” I’m mean, come
on, it’s so convenient. And just like that, you own it. It’s all yours. I’m
sure you’ll read ALL those books at some point....
Homeless Book Shelterer
Not to be confused with The Bargain Hunter (though being low
cost enables your addiction.) The price of the book doesn’t compel you to buy
it. It’s the sad puppy dog eyes the book gives you that hooks you every time. You,
my friend, are the worst of your kind. YOU are the Queen of Book Hoarding. I
crown thee. You have empathy for all things wordy, papered and bound. Be it
whatever genre, in fiction or non-fiction it doesn’t matter. You are not a
breed snob. And what’s worse, you have no shame in where you get your books. ARCs
at book conventions. Barnes and Noble discount table. Used bookstore’s
clearance shelf. $1 bin at the library. Heck, you’ve even bought a few books at
the 99cent store! The shame.
Series Killectors
If you have a book in the series, you have to buy EVERY book
in the series. Even the freaking books you hate! It’s like the book you don’t
like sits on the shelf, emoting is guilt because it knows you don’t like it. Maybe
he wouldn’t be so lonely if he had his siblings to keep it company, you think. Heck,
you feel so compelled to buy the rest of the series, you buy its friends too, other
series by the same author. Because God forbid if you going to be a Series
Killector, what better way to become famous than going on a killing spree.
OCD Literaryrians
Similar to the Series Killectors but with WAY more obsessive
compulsive tendencies. Yes, you have to have all the books in the series but it
goes beyond that. All the books have to be hardcover or paperback. For god’s
sake don’t mix them. It’s worse than crossing the streams. And if the cover art
changes, like the Harry Potter series, you MUST have all the books from that
particular release. And then you have size. Romance novels are known for
changing editions, from modern trade paperback to mass market paperback. The
sizes don’t match up! Jesus, people, that’s not going to work! SIZE DOES
MATTER! I'm not even going to discuss how your shelves are probably organized by genre, then author last name, then date of release. Uh huh, you know it is.
The Pothunter or Tactile Puritan
Whether you’re a Pothunter or a Tactile Puitan, you both
suffer from the same book hoarding. If you have it on e-book, you HAVE to have
it on your physical bookshelf. You, my friend, are every author’s dream.
Trophy glory hounds (aka Pothunters) have spent countless hours reading, damn
it. The world should be informed! And what better way than to have a trophy shelf. Maybe you’re like me, you have to have a
physical trophy for public consumption, so when friends come over they can be
in awe of your bookshelf and they can ask your most coveted question, “Wow, did
you read all of those books?” Why, yes…yes I did. :: puffs chest proud :: My work
here is done. You are also the same person that when that same neighbor asks
you if they can borrow Xbook, you say ok, then secretly go to your hidden
notebook write down the date, title and the person you loaned it to like a good
little librarian. After all, these are your babies on this shelf. (BTW, I am a Pothunter.)
For you Tactile Puritans, you were one of the last people to
buy an e-reader because you savor the feel of paper between your fingertips. You
were sure this e-book hype would eventually blow over. But alas, the convenience
of instant purchasing power to feed your book obsession caused you to cave. And
to continue to prove the physical is better than the virtual, you buy a physical
book for every e-book you read. You even get a little pissed when you’ve read
an e-book and discover IT’S ONLY AN E-BOOK! How dare them! You’ve even
contemplated making a faux book cover for this e-book just for your shelf, but
then you’d turn into a vain Pothunter. Tsk tsk.
Literary Poser
Last but not least, the Literary Poser. Who are you kidding?
You think if you mix in a few literary novels in with your romance smut and
your young adult angst that your friends will consider you a respectable
reader. Not. Gonna. Happen. But still, you collect it all, from literary poets
to the obscure book award winners no one has ever heard of. You know the
books I’m talking about. The ones that have the warning label “Do not operate
heavy machinery while reading. Has been known to cause drowsiness. In some extreme cases, Boredom Fatalities have occurred.” Do you even
know what that damn book is about? Come on, are your really going to read that?
You’re going to give your brain an aneurism reading that stuff.
When it's all said and done, book hoarding is probably one of the best mental conditions to have. So we get a little nitpicky about our books. And yes, we're a little confused when we go to other peoples homes and they don't have books on display. But the important thing, whether you are a Cover Whore or a OCD Literaryian, we all have a passion for reading. And that's a wonderful gift to pass on to the generations who follow.
