Today, boys and girls, you’ll be schooled in the Critique
Partner Panties Selection process. There will be a three part essay quiz at the
end, so pay attention. For those men reading this post, don’t get your panties
in a wad. Substitute thong for boxer briefs, granny panties for tidy whites,
and boxers for boy-shorts and you’ll get the picture.
Why do you need a critique partner? You might as well ask why
you need panties. Or nose hair? Or those small plastic tips at the end of
your shoestrings? Sure, you can function without them but isn’t life just a
little smoother when you have those things? (Someone call the Rhetorical Question
Police, please.) There’s no free-balling it or going commando in writing. You
can’t do this on your own. Sure you can
pay freelance editors, but they won’t have the heart to tell you, you suck. (And friends,
family or neighbors do not qualify as CPs. See “Hard
Truths Every Writer Should Accept” post, paragraph 8.) Moving on.
Picking out a CP is as easy as picking out your
panties. Don’t get over-supportive
granny panties. Don’t get loose panties that constantly give you a wedgie. Or
worse, too small panties that give you plumber’s crack. Maybe you’re a low-rise
boy-short, kind of girl. Or maybe, you
need the bikini-cut cheeksters. And hey,
don’t underestimate the sleek Hanky Panky thong to do the trick. Or if you’re
like me, yes to all three. (Now my CPs are wondering what pair of panties
they are.)
Critique partners come in all shapes and sizes. Different people have different skills at
various levels. Some are better at over-arching big picture kind of stuff, and
others are great copy editors. Whether you need hand holding, hardcore truth
tellers, detail police, character developers, voice aficionados, or maybe a mix
of all the above, knowing what you need before you begin the relationship is
key.
The best way to find out what kind of CP they are, work with
them. I’d suggest exchange sample pages,
the first ten. (Never exchange panties with your CP, that’s just weird and gross.) Sometimes
the first ten pages are all you need to bow out gracefully. But if ten pages works, then graduate to
first three chapters. First pages can be
well polished so reading up to three chapters is good before you commit all in.
THEN if both of those go well, maybe their entire manuscript.
Things to analyze from the critique: Do you like their
style? Was their critique helpful? (And
I don’t mean a kiss-your-ass-how-awesome-are-you critique.) Can you CP their
manuscript painlessly in return? Critiquing is a “I’ll read yours if you read mine” partnership. Your time as a writer is valuable, use it
wisely.
Where do I purchase one of these fluffy, cuddly critique
partners? First off, if your CP is
fluffy and cuddly, cut them loose. Cheerleaders won’t get the job done. Also, if
your CP is just the opposite: cranky, noisy, whiny, defensive, immobile or
berating. Ditch them like a bad prom
date! But I digress. This is where the sucky part comes in; it takes time to
find several good critique partners. Until you have your own YA Mafia, it might take you a while to settle in
a CP relationship. In the meantime,
here’s where to look. Fellow bloggers or
twitterers you’ve become buddies with is a good place to start. Or like me, I found a great CP though Natalie
Whipple’s blog, where she offered to play match.com for CPs. (I’ve toyed around with doing a CP matchmaker on my
blog. If I get enough interest I might.) Or how about the wonderful people
you meet at conferences and now you’ve become besties with them and you call
them your “girlies” and you have sleepovers and writer’s retreats and wear
matching pink fluffy slippers together….okay, maybe not the slippers, yet.
Relationships change and dissolve. Don’t become dismayed. Sometimes those cotton bikini-cut panties no longer
work.Maybe you’ve out grown them, like those days
of the week panties you had as a little girl. You’re looking to be more adventuresome with a g-string. It could be that you or your CP
have moved on to a different project. Sometimes life gets in the way for one or both of you and you can’t
maintain a reasonable level of courtesy. Whatever the reason, breaking up shouldn’t be high school drama, leave
that for the manuscript. Bow out gracefully, with no hurt feelings if the
relationship is no longer needed or simply isn’t a good match.
You will find the perfect pair of panties. Not the kind that
cover your butt like a wide load sign. No these perfect panties come in every
color, even electric neon pink. And
when Vicky’s is having a sale, you buy twelve pairs of the “Any 3 for $33.” You’ve got the prettiest panties in the
lot. You strut around in your hot pants,
thinking you’re the shit. Because you
are, baby. Yeah, that’s what if feels
like to have an arsenal of critique partners in your pocket.
Like your momma always told you, make sure you always have
on clean underwear, you never know when you’re going to be in an accident. Same advice applies when you query your
manuscript. Nothing like skid marks to get
an automatic rejection from agents. (Oh yeah, I went there.)
Moral of the story: Critique partners, get one damn it.
